(This one should probably go in the Friend to Friend section, but putting this on the main page, too…). I am grieving the ending of the baby years. I’m sure there are others out there grieving a time of life that they have loved so much as they enter a new stage of life, too. So, let’s chat about it. I usually wait until after I’ve worked through something to talk about it because THE VULNERABILITY that takes to talk about hard things in real time is too much for me, but this one I am talking about as it feels very raw and happening as we speak.
I love being a mom. Yes, it’s incredibly hard. No, I don’t feel any pressure from outside factors to say I love being a mom. I genuinely love it. I feel that it is my greatest joy (plus, Andrew) and has brought me my biggest growth. There is so much hard work, so much worry, so much failure, and so many lows (I don’t want to sugarcoat it), but I love it.
It’s funny because I was never once baby-hungry before I had Brooke, but once I had her… Every part of my insides fell in love with this relationship (not a role, a relationship <– what I learned thanks to Dr. Julie Hanks), and motherhood.
My pregnancy with Beck was rough. I was so sick and more depressed at times during his pregnancy than I had ever experienced. I told Andrew over 1,000 times during his pregnancy that I could never be pregnant again. But then, when Beck was about a year old, and I had wiped my memory clean of ever having said such a thing and of how hard it was, we tried on and off for a while to have another baby. With my others, I was beyond lucky to get pregnant either month one or two of trying, but post-Beck… it just never happened (even with a very consistent cycle). We should have gone in for fertility help, or had my hormones figured out sooner, but time just passed very quickly, and we went back and forth on the issue so frequently that it never happened.
Long story short, another pregnancy didn’t happen, and between the current age gap, getting older, and really feeling like our family is complete, we are closing this door. And I am grieving the end of my baby years. It’s been 13+ years with someone always home, adventuring with me, and it feels like a punch in the gut to see that stage end.
The sadness about it ending is also quite confusing, given that each of my kids’ current stages feels like it’s never been better. And then there is the bonus of this phase of life: being able to spend so much time with Andrew, which we missed out on in the beginning of our relationship, when we already had kids. Having more time for each other has been so great.
But I can’t go through baby photos and videos without aching because it feels like those times went by so quickly. Selfishly, I miss them being 10000% dependent on me, even as, at the exact same moments, I am obsessed with watching each one build their life, passions, relationships, and independence.
Andrew always tells me he can’t believe how much I feel each day and the range of emotions I experience within 24 hours, so maybe this is just a ‘me problem.’ And I hope I don’t sound ungrateful because we have four incredible children that I feel beyond lucky to have. There are so many harder feelings and situations that people go through. I’m just feeling sad over the end of such a beautiful season of my life that I’ve loved so much. Also, a sadness over leaving the stage where my body was able to have children?!? It is all so final!
I don’t have answers or tips; I just want anyone else to feel less alone if they are missing a stage of life right about now. I think I just need to feel what I feel, type out my thoughts here, push publish, welcome change (even if change is something I naturally try to resist), and soak in my feelings of gratitude for getting the experience of this season of life.
However, if you have any tips or tricks for us on navigating the end of a stage of life, please share!
What has been your favorite season of life so far?
Tell me about your weekend!
The post Grieving A Season of Life. first appeared on The Hungry Runner Girl.